A tiny portion of this week has been spent remembering the people of Haiti as I remembering the blessings that I am experiencing even now. I've been also reading peoples tweets and reflecting on the things I've read such as the discussion of religious fission when it comes to our futile understanding of God's Will, God's Purpose for Us, God's Wrath and even His Love. We are but a vapor and fallen so we are incapable of fully and wholly understanding God in any area all we know is kinda what we have the capacity to know and what He let's us know. Sometimes I wonder if I am still God's child, His beloved, His friend and not because He has given me any reason to doubt because He has not but because of my human relationship with my parents. My parents are kind of a really touchy subject for me and I don't even talk about them with my closest friends. It's not because I don't love them no not all but I wonder what is love in the specific situation of my parents. Now why do i wonder about my relationship with God and who am I well my parents are very sporadically intertwined in my life and as much as I try to get to know them and reach out to them it's very difficult and emotional it's got to be 50/50 you know. Some people have learned to cope with seeking the attention of their parents by bending and twisting to their every whim trying some way to conform in such a fasion that their parents will finally shower them with the attention and praise that they've longed for. I'm not in that group quite honestly I think my coping mechanism has been to remain young and infantile yes infantile so that they would feel that I need them and would come rescuing me with the attention and praise that I'm longing for.
So because of this i kind of have this performance based attitude of I must read my bible I must pray
I must worship etc but at times it is not in spirit and in truth because instead I am relying on myself to do all of the work to get the attention. I'm so glad God is not like my earthly parents and although what I feel of my relationship with God is all feeling and emotion for my lack with my biological parents and doesn't take away the fact that this is what I feel from time to time. Thanks for reading my thoughts of the day.
-- Post From My iPhone