Things of Love

I feel like slowly piece by piece God has been rebuilding and recasting me taking me far away from the pain of what I felt this summer abandonment and loneliness and it feels amazing. And it's just like wow really I didn't expect it then and I didn't expect it now but wow so blessed. And I finally met this guy I've been talking to online and he is amazing and it's a blessing having him in my life.


-- Post From My iPhone

Friendships

Tonight I wondered what does it mean when you don't feel the fire you felt in the beginning of your friendships. When you don't feel that same desire to be there entertaining and putting out your good foot. Maybe it's just a me thing tonight and not something I need to really put so much thought into.


-- Post From My iPhone

The hourglass

The hourglass was flipped yet again in my life and I wondered if by some chance I could live in a way that was meaningful. In a way that made people say oh my I need to believe like she believed I need to strive in the direction she is striving. Is that the way to Christ ok thanks for the directions. This was a very hard place to be because I figured my wonder had not happened I mean who wouldn't. And so I despaired for my loneliness, laziness, stagnancy and most of all my weakness. There's nothing wrong with weakness except for in this case I was weak tapping into my own weakness for strength this was not working. Wrong direction annnnk wrong answer you've lost this round but I was reminded of someone greater higher lovelier in whom I draw my strength my joy and my meaning the person of Jesus Christ. And the hourglass reclaimed my lost hours.


-- Post From My iPhone

Eternity

Sometimes I feel as though man is always trying to get many things, on a constant quest to constanty acquire and I wonder if it is often in the hopes of acquiring something eternal. Maybe this is what it means when it says that He set Eternity in the hearts of man, maybe it means that they will be on a continual journey and quest to reach forever and so they constantly acquire but I want to acquire something greater something that will not be stolen or destroyed with rust or moth eaten and that something is love.


-- Post From My iPhone

The Lifeboat

Without God we all exist on this kind of makeshift lifeboat. Put together with these splintered either given by someone residing on the lifeboat currently or I'll gotten. The lifeboat is not only something so real but it's also a place where man formulates his ideals whether for selfish pursuit of what he wants for himself or dare I say it selfish goal he wants for someone else. The lifeboat is hard to just decide to step away from because it serves as the place where man gets some type of reassurance from peers he actually ascribes to or to those who he does not want to go against.. But then the question what's the difference. Jesus didn't need the lifeboat because His Glory came from God where is your Glory coming from if not all from God what portion can you be almost sure comes from God. The Lifeboat.



-- Post From My iPhone

Metamorphosis & Mystery

Today i saw a butterfly in the most unlikest of places behind a garbage can almost like it was waiting there to reveal itself. It made me think of the mystery of things the hiddeness of things sometimes I like the fact that things are hidden because when they are hdden when they appear it's just it's so mind blowing. To me mystery is necessary because I think if everything was set before I would be bored to death or even worse rebellious because I'd want to see other than what's before me just being honest. I'd be running to see the unseen. It kinda reminds me of the heart the thing we all try to understand but really can't. It's so amazing that God can see our hearts better than we could ever see them it's so like wow the way God judges us on our hearts the intention behind stuff I don't think it's so much on our reaching of perfection or even whether we fail or win at something but the heart or the drive the intention of it all. Like this is all a process a person does not run a maranthon in one try one go but instead trains to reach such potential. It also remind me of the struggle the necessary struggle that a butterfly goes through after it has morphed. That process of it struggling from it's cacoon of helped it's rather harmed. However unlike the butterfly that needs to be unassisted we need community before during around and after the struggle.


-- Post From My iPhone

Rescue !!!

When I feel like you're not there I try to act like it doesn't matter and trudge on with my day trying to do it all. Asking for my own encore, clapping at my wins, booing loudly at my losses unlike you who just quietly corrects without condemnation or a weird pride thing, when I'm in a room and no one is there I draw my own imaginations trying to keep my own attention and entertain myself, when I'm with ppl I forget that you're there in the midst. Will you rescue me soon please....


-- Post From My iPhone

Better than Yesterday

Today I've determined to make the most of this day having time for myself enjoying myself and connecting with friends earlier in the morning and doing my work in joy and just having a really great day remembering the love of others such as friends and family and remembering the grace and the mercy and the gift of life and love and such :)


-- Post From My iPhone

Hearts

Today happened to be one of those days like many in my life where I had to face one of those hard heart questions. The question was why do I expect from people? Why do I have expectations of people time and time again no matter how many times I've been dissappointed. And my answer was it's because I'm running on the fuel called hope no matter how many times I've been broken hurt or depressed I still press on it's my coping mechanism. If I don't expect because of my hope what then? It's like a rung on a ladder I have rungs hope love faith grace mercy forgiveness expectation because of all those things working if I remove expectation what then will this ladder collapse?


-- Post From My iPhone

Anger

Yea i know i haven't written in a minute was going through different things and basically its not easy to sit down and take time to write when your kind of broken and angry by things. Im chilling at my moms today and im upset by something...I wish i wouldnt get so upset when im corrected after i have put so much work into something without anyone helping. It feels so crushing and i feel the push to quit when i feel this way but i just wait in the hope that this feeling will pass soon and just being ok.

I finally got a camcorder yesterday i need to sleep the sun will be up shortly.

Tuesday

Uhh so yeah i haven't written in a while alot of stuff was going on a lot of summer cleaning has happened so yea but i should be writing more now...sorry about the uhhh amount of time that has passed all in all im good Blessed God is still blowing my mind everyday He is so Awesome!!!!

Catch Up Wednesday

SO yea i know i haven't written in a couple of days i guess i opted to just try to fill this in as much as possible gonna go backwards. SO today I woke up this morning and decided to make a start of my day in an amazing and simple way I journaled and read my Bible and prayed :) couldn't get more simpler than that alot of times i make it way too complicated. Then i had breakfast and took a nap :) I got up at around 2 and came online I believe i just came on to find a program and install it onto my notebook but i have been on since and did not install what i set out to. I was talking to Fuzzy for a bit i wanted to go out but opted to just stay inside the rest of the night and go out tomorrow. I wanted to make a video so I did tonight its called Wonder and its a poem I just posted it on my YouTube page. Its a poem i wrote back in 05 when i was working in Borders Books as a cashier it was kewl that i found it today. Today was a pretty good day. God blew my mind with Luke 3, this morning i read Matthew 3, Mark 1 and Luke 3, oh man Luke is the man :).
Hmmm where was I sorry i clicked over to put my new video on Facebook :) like u needed to know that lol...anyways uhhh Yesterday was a great day as well I was home in bed just relaxing till about 12 and i was like lemme go and run those errands that my mom asked me to and yea God blew my mind, I went into this bookstore over on Lenox and talked with the part owner he was talking about his faith and the church he belongs to and the Pastor and Youth Pastor it was really great talking with him and he asked me to take some stuff over to the Goodwill since i was on my way so i was glad i was able to serve him. I bought some water on my way back cuz it was hot out and nice though and decided to make the second trip to the thrift store with the last bag.. why am i have de jja vu...okay...so uhh yea umm..I saw that there was a 28 pack of Poland spring on sale and i thought to myself wow i pay a dollar just for one i need to hop on this bargain so i bought it on my way back from the second trip it was 5 bucks that's really kewl and when i got to my building i saw some kids outside so i gave them some water and told them when they see me act like the know me in other words remember me. SO yea servant must have been yesterdays theme huh :) God is good.

Super Sunday

Ok I'm done with all the alliteration for real i don't know lol maybe. Today was a great day woke up at after 7 and typed up a schedule because i just thought it would be nice to have it in writing so its easier to follow and for memory and such. SO today just had one child and that was kewl we had worship and prayer, review of last weeks lesson, the lesson for today, snack and closing prayer. It went amazingly well God is good. And now i just got an idea for some videos in my style conversation lesson and question :) So yea after church i put everything away and Fuzzy helped then i checked out a quick meeting about Karaoke night then Fuzzy and I went to my grandmother's house we had a great time. I forgot how much of a great time i have when I am with family. She told us stories and she cooked us steak and veggies and candied yams. Then walked Fuzzy to the train station while talking and came home ate and had a nice sleep. So man yes today was amazing and in the morning I'm cleaning out the SGA office with Fuzzy so i should probably sleep soon so i can wake up on time but don't know when since i just had a 3 hour slumber.(2:06 A.M why is it always screwing up the time)

Fabulous Friday

Well it was fabulous until my hours of editing my newest video freaking crashed and now i have nothing sigh...lol...however i had a great day went to Brina's graduation recorded and edited and burned dvds so yea that was really kewl...tomorrow I'm doing real work for real im gonna try to stop lolligagging. Thats all im gonna say tonight cuz im like kinda bummed just a bit however i can work on it another time. I need to get some sleep then eat when i wake up. ok im just rambling im out :)

Thriving Thursday

Today was a great day i went to the seminar it was the same one as the last one i went to same info it was great I'm so glad i went because i received the answer to a question i had so that was really kewl. Plus a situation with a great friend Fuzzy was resolved so that was like yay God. And i went food shopping and it inspired me to do a video telling the story of the supermarket. So i did the video and i had fun doing it. Tomorrow or rather later today I'm going to Brina's graduation I'm so glad to be her friend and able to support her in her growth. Too bad I'm broke cant take her out to celebrate but i hope just being there will be good enough until i can get some funds. ON the phone trying to wrap up the rest of this evening. Gonna be doing some more preparation for Sunday. Post Production photo :) 2:05 AM Night yall

Wow Wednesday

are all my days gonna have like these rhyme thingy or alliteration i think that's what its called lol who knows...
Yea today i had a great day i had a meeting with my Pastor's incredible meeting for real and I'm looking forward to working with this ministry i need to be faithful in it and active as well. So yea I'm really excited. Tonight i helped out a friend and just put up a quick video on YouTube about child trafficking and then walk going on in September its very interesting since I'm promoting it i think it would make sense that attend and try to donate and walk in it right??? Well i think so so i hope to be talking about it when i go in September. SO yea great day reflective as well and i also hung with an old friend and just listened to what she has been going through pretty much. SO now I'm going to this training in the morning its ummm Partnering with School: How Churches can Reach Youth through Schools so I'm really looking forward to attending this training and hope I'm not like OD busting out in cramps (tmi?) in the morning or something. So yes wow Wednesday it was great :)

Terrible Tuesday?

OK the day actually wasn't terrible i just said that for dramatic effect i just cant shake a certain feeling that freaking nagging feeling of inadequacy that stems from trying to do everything myself in my own strength alongside with blame and annoyance with my own imperfection that i probably like to keep hidden I'm way hard on myself for real but anyways after saying all of that i thought I'd write a poem/reflection instead of going in anymore and then I'm going to pray and lay in my bed and rest.


I should see the cracks because they show me I'm human
I should see the imperfections because they show me where Your hands are
I should see the dimming of my pride
So i can see Your life then and now
I should see my flaws because they show me I'm not in control
I love when i see what Your hands have designed and blessed me with
I love when i see that i had faith and you gave it to me
I love when my heart is weary and you come and wrap Your perfect love around me
I don't like when i become selfish I don't like when i make everything about me
I don't like when i draw on my own strength acting as if i can do it all with You
I don't like when i don't say Thank You
I don't like when i become so consumed that i put You in the back
I don't like when i depend on myself to help others and fail and then realize i should have called on You
You correct me because You love me and yet i feel like i keep getting corrected for the same thing over and over
Thank You for having patience with me Because you loved me first and loved me so much that You sent Your Only Son
I should see my imperfections because I am made perfect in You
Thanks for working it all out in my weakness
Thanks for Loving me and for not turning Your face.

Yay Monday!!

Aww man today was great woke up did some email checking and twittering and facebooking and such catching up with friends and praying for their needs. I went to a 20/20 Training meeting it was great. 20/20 Vision for schools churches partnering up with schools and being a resource and a change agent. And some revelations and things clicking or happening came over me today while at the meeting and I was just overjoyed for real!!! Last semester my first semester at school when i went to my Intro to Youth Ministry class and the professor asked about our areas of ministry i felt at a disadvantage because everyone there had a ministry that they led or co-led in. Although i felt disadvantage it was hard for me to feel discouraged because i was just like God brought me this far and i was just like for some reason i feel like next year I'm going to have a ministry I'm working in although i don't see anything now. And God has orchestrated that i am now the Children's Ministry Coordinator at my new home church. A church where i feel so comfortable its my niche i was writing about yesterday. It feels great every time i go. The second amazing thing today was that i was connected to everyone in some way basically almost everyone there knew someone i went to school with or knew my Pastor and i met this really kewl lady named Yolanda. The third mind blowing thing was i wanted to chill with Dawn today but i wasn't sure how with like my money situation and Dawn's errands i didn't wanna have to rush or make her feel rushed so anyway after networking and talking even talking outside of the building i finally said goodbye and started walking and praying and thinking about what i was going to eat for dinner and then i ran into Dawn oh man yea so we chatted and walked it was really kewl man what a day :)

What a Sunday!

yea i had a pretty good day today for real :)
let me go backwards lol
I just came back from a four hour long washing session at the laundry mat that joint was mad intense i was like washing all my winter clothes lol yay laundry
before that i planned to go to my grandmothers house and keep her some company but my mom called cuz she was in the mood to clean hence the four hour laundry session
prior to that i went to a Leaders meeting at my church that meeting was the bomb!!! Like just sharing about grace and what we do or don't understand about it man talk about transparency i love it!!! I was able to share my thoughts as well and listen to people this was definitely my niche I'm so glad i found my new church and i have a job there for the next two years and paid :) and we had pizza and juice and it was about 13 ppl if u don't count the pastor his wife and their child...it was definitely amazing.
prior to that i was at church the meeting was at church too but i was in service great message and dialogue it was also on Grace :) so yea im feeling good
ooo huh its mothers day oh yea uhhhh
i bought this card for my mom one you could record a voice but i think its broken so pretty much she didn't get anything and i didn't tell her about it and she didn't ask is that wrong?
and i chilled with Dawn that was kewl too.

oooo Omelete

I seriously had the intention of making a Japanese omelet but to my dismay i have yet to master what it takes to make one. It was good and it was fun, and although it looks like that it was very tasty :) And liveblogged it :)

Missing!!!

Yo i apologize school was much more time consuming and more engaging then i assumed plus i was facebooking and hanging out mad late...now i have a twitter and ive done a couple of vids...but i hope to recap you occassionally on the stuff that went on this semester as well as things going on for this summer...so yea lets celebrate!!!!